Will this girl ever write a real fan fic? Doubt it
by Dinkyangel
Summary: A teenage girl, left alone in the house, eats too much chocolate and drinks WAY too much coffee. She has nothing better to do and so decides to unleash her twisted humour on the innocent readers of Harry Potter fan fiction. Wackiness ensues…


A teenage girl, left alone in the house, eats too much chocolate and drinks WAY too much coffee. She has nothing better to do and so decides to unleash her twisted humour on the innocent readers of Harry Potter fan fiction. Wackiness ensues…  
  
  
A/N: If you're looking for serious fiction then you need to look elsewhere. This is random, pointless, nonsense but hey, read it anyway, it might just make you laugh.   
  
  
  
Harry: Err… guys, where are we?  
  
Hermione: Oh no.  
  
Ron: What?  
  
Hermione: It looks like we've been sucked into another of those ridiculous MST fics.  
  
Harry: *Rolls eyes* Uh, again? This is the third time this week.  
  
Hermione: I know, I know but look, I think the best thing to do is grin and bear it. Then we can get this over and done with as quickly as possible.  
  
Ron: Guess so. I just hope this author isn't as crazy as the last one was.  
  
Harry: Ha! I doubt it.  
  
Hermione: Hmm… speaking of the author, I wonder where he/she is?  
  
Author: SHE is standing right behind you.  
  
(All 3 jump, Hermione squeaks, and they turn around to face the author)  
  
Author: Hi.  
  
Harry: Err, h-hello.  
  
Ron: Who are you?  
  
Author: Duh! I'm the author.  
  
Hermione: Yes we know THAT but WHO are you? What's your name?  
  
Author: I'd prefer to remain nameless.  
  
Hermione: Why?  
  
Author: It adds a touch of mystery.  
  
Hermione: Mystery?  
  
Author: Yes, well, no. Actually, I forgot to write a disclaimer and I don't want to get sued.  
  
Ron: Disclaimer? What's that?  
  
Author: Ya know, 'All characters belong to J. K. Rowling, I am not infringing on copyright law', blah, blah, blah.  
  
Ron: J. K. Rolling, who's that?  
  
Author: It's J. K. ROWLING. And she is the woman who created all of you.  
  
Hermione: Created us? What are you talking about? We weren't created.  
  
Author: Err, yes you were. How else do you think you got here?  
  
Harry: You brought us here.  
  
Author: I brought you to this fic but you only exist because Rowling made you.  
  
Hermione: No, our parents, err *blushes* made us.  
  
Author: No, J. K. Rowling did! You do realise you're all just characters from a book, don't you?  
  
Hermione: That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!  
  
Harry: Wow, this one really is crazy!  
  
Author: I can't argue that but still …   
  
(Ron interrupts)  
  
Ron: Our parents made us? *Looks bewildered*.  
  
Hermione: Yes.  
  
Author: No, J. K. …  
  
Ron: How did they make us?  
  
Author: I already told you! They didn't …  
  
Hermione: You mean you don't know?  
  
Ron: Know what? *Looks even more bewildered*.  
  
Hermione: About the birds and the bees.  
  
Ron: What about them?  
  
Hermione: Never mind.  
  
Ron: No, tell me.  
  
Author: *Smirks* Yeah Hermione, tell him.  
  
Hermione: *Blushes* It's not my place to tell him. You should ask your parents Ron.  
  
Ron: But I want to know now! How did my parents make me? And what have birds and bees got to do with it?  
  
Author: Come on Hermione, the boy deserves some answers.  
  
Hermione: Ugh, okay, all right, I'll tell him if it'll make you happy! Ron, c'mere.  
  
(Hermione pulls Ron close and begins to whisper behind her hand)  
  
Ron: WHAT?!  
  
(Hermione continues to whisper)  
  
Ron: EURGH! That's disgusting! My parents did not do that!  
  
Author: Oh yes they did Ron, at least six times.  
  
Ron: How do you know that?!  
  
Author: I watched them.  
  
All: WHAT?!  
  
Author: Eww sick! You didn't think I was being serious!  
  
Hermione: Look, we should all calm down now, it's nothing to get embarrassed about, it's just the facts of life.  
  
Ron: I don't care it's still disgusting! I am NEVER doing that!  
  
Author: Oh believe me, Ron; you won't be saying that in a couple of years.  
  
Ron: Yes I will, I mean it! I'm never, ever doing that.  
  
Author: No, no, probably not actually. Hermione's too much of a prude to do that.  
  
Hermione: WHA-?  
  
Author: No, you'll probably be stuck walking the dog alone for the rest of your life.  
  
Ron: Huh? I don't have a dog.  
  
Author: And you also don't have a clue what I'm talking about do you? Oh well, people rarely do.  
  
Ron: *Look of deep concentration* I still don't understand what birds and bees have got to do with   
it.  
  
Author: Hmm… I never really got that either. *Goes off into a world of her own* I mean, can you actually imagine a bird and a bee doing the deed? How would it work? And bees sting don't they? Ouch, I bet it'd hurt. Aww, poor birdie.  
  
(Everybody stares at author)  
  
Author: What?  
  
(All begin to back away looking scared)  
  
Author: Oh, I was thinking out loud again wasn't I? Yeah, I should probably stop doing that.  
  
Hermione: No, you should DEFINITELY stop doing that.  
  
(Author starts punching herself in the side of the head)  
  
Author: Stupid, stupid brain, I told you not to make me say things I don't want to. Stupid brain, don't voice my thoughts. *Hits herself in the head so hard she falls off her chair*  
  
Ron: *Squeezes Hermione's arm* Oh my god, get me out of here! She's scaring me!  
  
(Author stands up and brushes herself off)  
  
Author: *Looking slightly dazed and confused* Anyway… I'm sure there's something I'm forgetting. Wasn't I supposed to be doing something? What was that … *Scratches head* ow,   
ooh, bumpy head. Now, what was that, that thing that I'm supposed to be doing?   
  
Hermione: Writing a fan fic?  
  
Author: Oh yeah! Well, right now I have to, um… go and err… yeah. So I'll get on with writing it later.  
  
(Author stands up and slowly heads to the door)  
  
Hermione: Wait a minute, where are you going?  
  
Author: *Shrugs* I dunno.  
  
Hermione: Well, when will you be back?  
  
Author: I dunno.  
  
Hermione: So what are we supposed to do?  
  
Author: I dunno.  
  
Hermione: Argh, stop saying that! Can't you even answer a simple question?  
  
Author: I dun- hey! Those questions weren't simple!  
  
Hermione: *Throws hands in air* I give up! Just go.   
  
Author: Oka- hey! This is MY story! I decide what happens, not you!  
  
Hermione: You just said you were leaving!  
  
Author: And I am but not because you told me to. Nobody tells me what to do.  
  
Hermione: I don't care! Just go!  
  
Author: *Screams* Grrr, stop telling me what to do! You're worse than my mum!  
  
(Author's mum pokes head round door)  
  
Author's mum: Yes dear, did you shout me?  
  
Author: Uh… no.  
  
Author's mum: Oh, well, come on now. There's a lot of housework that needs doing and I want your help.  
  
Author: *Whines* Aww mum …  
  
Author's mum: NOW please.  
  
Author: But …  
  
(Author's mum folds arms and glares)  
  
Author: Okay, okay, I'm coming.  
  
(Author's mum leaves)  
  
Hermione: Ha! Looks like she told you!  
  
Author: Shut up.  
  
Ron: *Mocking tone* "Nobody tells me what to do".  
  
Author: I'm warning you, be quiet or…  
  
Ron: Hadn't you better get going? Your mum's waiting, don't want another telling off do you.  
  
(Everybody sniggers)  
  
Author: That's it!  
  
Ron: What?  
  
Author: Like I said Ron, *Evil grin* this is my story, and I decide what happens. *Points over Ron's shoulder*  
  
Hermione: Umm, Ron…  
  
(Ron slowly turns around looking petrified)  
  
Ron: Oh bollocks!  
  
Mrs. Weasley: I beg your pardon?!  
  
Ron: Uh… *Smiles sheepishly* hi mum.  
  
(Mrs. Weasley takes hold of Ron by the ear pulls him towards the door)  
  
Mrs. Weasley: I'm taking you home to wash your filthy mouth out with soap and water.  
  
Author: *Laughs at Ron* Payback's a bitch isn't it. Uh oh…   
  
Mrs. Weasley: Right, you too young lady. Come on. *Grabs Author by the ear too*  
  
Author: What?! No! Aargh! *Slaps forehead as she's hauled out of the room* Stupid brain!  
  
Harry: What was that all about?  
  
Hermione: *Jumps* Oh, Harry, I forgot you were there.  
  
Harry: Yeah, I noticed. So err… they probably won't be back for a while, maybe you could… *wiggles eyebrows* teach me a little more about the birds and the bees.  
  
Hermione: Harry! How dare you suggest such a thing!  
  
Harry: What? It's not my fault! It's that stupid author, she's makes me do things I don't want to, stupid things, crazy things!  
  
Hermione: Harry…  
  
Harry: yes?  
  
Hermione: Shut up and kiss me.  
  
Harry: Wha- Hermione!  
  
Hermione: NOOO! She's doing it to me too, noo!  
  
Harry: Aargh!  
  
Hermione: Aargh!  
  
(Author's mum walks in)  
  
Author's mum: What on earth is going on in here, I heard screaming. *Looks at Harry and Hermione* who in the world are you two?  
  
Harry: Um… we're…  
  
Hermione: Friend's of your daughter.  
  
Author's mum: Oh, well, where is she?  
  
Hermione: Ahh…  
  
Author's mum: Ahh, I see. She's trying to get out of doing the housework again isn't she? Well, in that case, you two can do it for her. Come on *hands Hermione a duster* you can polish *hands Harry a pair of rubber gloves* and you can wash up. *Leaves room*.  
  
(Both groan)  
  
Harry: I'm going to kill that author!  
  
Hermione: Not if I do it first!  
  
  
  
Feel free to flame, if I were you, I'd do the same.   
Feel free to review, if I were you, I'd do that too. 


End file.
